Published October 22, 2008
A Devil Lurks Within
A display of smooth emotion
Defies those about.
A fruit with outside perfection
Rotten throughout.
I called you friend
And so did she.
The sin you committed intend
Haunts her every dream
Corrupt by your twisted need
You pick a rose who had no thorn
Because of sick control and endless greed
The evil you concealed was born
I see through your thought out lies
The devil that lurks within, you cannot hide.
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First of all, I would suggest trying non-rhyming poetry. Rhyming may seem easier but often takes much out of the poem where free verse is more, well, free.
A display of smooth emotion
Defies those about.
A fruit with outside perfection
Rotten throughout.
Alrighty, first of all; I would suggest you explain a bit more, for you have left me quite confused, now yes the title does tell what the poem is about, but that's not what the title is for, that's what the poem is for. And after reading the first stanza, you have left me quite bored (and I'm sorry for the brutal honesty). It took me reading this several times to really get it, even though it's so simply put.
Corrupt by your twisted need
You pick a rose who had no thorn
Because of sick control and endless greed
The evil you concealed was born
YAY!! This was much better than the first stanza! But it shouldn't take three stanzas out of four to hook your reader, you should be able to do it in the first.
Another thing, don't capitalize every line, it isn't needed. But most of all I would just encourage you to expound on your imagery and describe quite a bit more. I'm looking forward to seeing a revised version!! =)